C.T.F.D my parenting aha moment

When we decided to have a child, it wasn't from a burning desire of parenthood that we craved, it was the sense of family and the adding to ours that was important, and my clock was ticking, loudly.  Our first baby was a golden Labrador, and I was smitten.  I thought it would take a lot to push him outside away from a bassinet and our 'real' baby, but it happened.  We fell in love instantly with our girl, but love doesn't pave the road of ups and downs of the new born roller coaster.  I think being well into my 30's didn't help either.  I was selfish, self indulgent, had a great job, great husband who allowed me my freedoms and I thought I could control and handle anything.  

I couldn't have been more wrong.  On so many levels.  

I remember being in hospital after a horrific labour (lets face it none are pretty) being terrified I might hurt her accidentally or drop her or miss a minute or forget to feed her without timing it or wash her bottom wrong, the voice in my head was in overdrive.  I wanted it all to be perfect and it wasn't.  If you don't already know, breastfeeding is hardwork, it is natural but that doesn't mean it's easy.  I was in a hospital and an era that didn't allow dummies and frowned upon formula.  Second wake up call was babies actually don't do as the advert says "sleeping like a baby".  In short, sleep deprivation is a bitch, it's used for torture for a reason.  I was very fortunate to have a supportive husband who was scared of the new born baby but was more than happy to cook for me, clean, do washing, grocery shop and listen to me through my tears.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my little lady. Dearly, heart-breaking love like I'd never felt.  But that crying and being out of control with a little person who you were totally responsible for and who depended on you for everything was so scary.  I was used to my dog, who didn't answer back, went out side and weed on command and allowed me 10 hours sleep a night, uninterrupted.  I'll own up to trying to be Super-mum, miss perfect, but it served no-one most of all myself.  

Fast forward almost 7 years and there are days I still battle with parenthood.  The problem for me is perfectionism and control.  I hate mess and I sweat the small stuff.  When I worked it was terrible.  My alarm would go off and I'd hit the ground running and shouting, barking orders like a drill sergeant to get out of the door by 8am.  Now I'm not working, I'm still nagging orders to get to school on time with a list of things that is needed for one school day.  But I'm trying to relax a tad.  But gee it's hard!

This year, one of my new years resolution is to try and not sweat the small stuff so much.  To let go of sweeping the floors each day and wiping the little fingerprints off the fridge every morning.  I had learned over the past few months the benefits of being mindful and living in the moment, but man I find it hard.  I figure I really need to walk the talk.  

Photo taken by Bek of  Bex Photograph 

One thing I really find challenging is playing.  I'm not sure why but I get hot and clammie the moment my girl asks me to play a game.  "Um, in a minute honey", "you start and I'll join you" but I rarely do.  Am I alone with this?  I don't think so.  I marvel at those families that can sit down and play scrabble or play schools without the need to do anything else inbetween.

I had a really big a-ha moment, Oprah would have been proud of.  I read a wonderful, if not funny article that's been flying around facebook. You can read the article here but be warned they do drop the "f"bomb, but the sentiment I'm running with....CTFD! Its's my new motto in my head "Calm the F#ck Down" and it refers to us parents not the children.  I've been instilling this CTFD attitude for a few weeks now, and wow it really is helping and working!  I'm working on lowering my expectations of how my house 'should' look and trying to concentrate on what is actually 'happening' and trying not to miss it.

I really am enjoying putting my super hero pants back in the knickers draw where they belong and living a more real mindful life.

Ciao, Jan